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10/31/2001
so, i'm back from fall break. it is 12 a.m. and i have SO much to do before i go to sleep. i'm sure i won't do as much as i should, but i have to make some kind of effort. i have a spanish test and an accounting quiz. the quiz shouldn't be bad once i look at the stuff , but the test i hear is killer. eek. i am scared.
anyway, you got a few mini-blogs this weekend but nothing very good. and this one isn't going to be the best.
basically, my fall break was exactly what its name implies; it was a break. a break from the normal georgetown stress. i got to see sydney a whole lot. that was definitely the highlight of my break. she is absolutely amazing. i took 16 pictures in 3 days of just random things that she did. i miss her already.
other than that, i met my mom's new MAN. haha. she assured me before meeting him that i'd "like this one." he was okay, but not near as impressive as she talked him up to be. she could do better....
i also went to a CAKE concert last night. that wasn't planned until friday night. mel practically insisted that i go with her and daniel, david and megan. carrie and shane were there as well so that was cool! it was fun times. anything with those people is fun! = ]
and i must say that melanie asriel is my role model. i want to be her when i grow up! lol. not really, but i admire her for so many things. i wouldn't do some of the things that she does but more power to her. i had some really great conversations with her when it was just me, her and dan in the car between glasgow and BG. i was really opening up to her about my mom and about my family situations. it seemed sort of weird, but i enjoyed it. the best quote of the night. "so what if sex is shit" hehe. i am not for sure if she said "shit" but if she didn't, i can totally see her saying that. anyway. that was that.
hhhmmm....that is about it. no wait, of course, i talked to david pike. this was...good. i think that is the best way to say it. he called me so i didn't have time to get in my "bitchy" mood. hehe. so, basically he got a happy jenny and not the jenny he should have gotten. hehe. but i got to talk about a few serious matters with him and i enjoyed the rest of our conversation. i just don't care all that much for some odd reason. i don't have many emotions about it one way or the other. i think that is good thing. im going to try this whole friendship thing with him again. i'm excited about seeing him during thanksgiving break. hopefully, that will go well and not be too weird. and best of all, he de-pledged his fraternity. about time he woke up...
and i saw his parents sunday night. fun stuff.
i really have to study now!
goodnight!
jenny 12:34 AM
10/28/2001
Okay, so i just talked to david pike on the phone for 48 minutes. i called him yesterday and got the answering machine and told him that i thought he was not answering the phone b/c he knew it was me. but, anyway. the conversation was a little strange. but i enjoyed talking to him. i got to talk about a few of the things that i wanted to talk about.
and my mom is home now and i don't really want her investigating this too much! bye!
jenny 6:45 PM
Hi! I'm pretty much blogging b/c i have absolutely nothing better to do. oh shit david pike on the phone....not expecting that phone call.....bye for now
jenny 5:53 PM
10/25/2001
I haven't blogged in forever, because I have been busy. I am still busy, so I am not going to really blog tonight, either.
not too much new news with me anyway. i'm still confused about alot of things...friendships and such. maybe i'll be able to sort through my confusion during fall break, which starts in about 30 hours for me. i really hope i can get some kind of answers.
anyway, i have tried to contact david pike, but no such luck. but, fortunatley, i haven't been bothered by this. i haven't worried about what is going on with that situation, and i haven't been doing the whole guessing game lately. i haven't tried to predict things. i guess it is b/c i have had more important things to worry about. and i have the thought that I WILL find out what is going on in the back of my mind. and I'm just waiting around til it happens. no huge rush. I'll probably call again this weekend though.
My major worry of the week, class wise, is my calculus 3 test on friday. i made a 74 on the first one. so i need an A on this test if i want to even think about getting an A in the class. i started studying yesterday and did so for over an hour. today i studied for a total of close to four hours. i have so much more to study...i don't think i'll ever feel 100% comfortable about this test, no matter how much i study. im glad that i have another day.
shew, i'll be okay, though. i've decided that. i have to make a B sometime, it might as well be in cal 3, right? wrong, but i like to think it for a few minutes at a time!
gotta get to bed so i can maximize the amount of sleep i get on my one day to sleep in (til 9:30).
goodnight! maybe i'll catch up on some blogging this weekend.
jenny 12:14 AM
10/17/2001
Have you ever had that feeling of helplessness? you know, where you want to be there for someone but you can't reach them? when you can't do anything but worry and wait. when you can't even offer a hug. well, thats what i'm feeling and it sucks.
jenny 11:45 PM
10/16/2001
I'm so confused and I don't have time to go into it.
michael called. that was fun.
im getting info about some drum corps. that is fun but a waste of my time really.
just had to have a mini-blog.
goodnight!
jenny 12:28 AM
10/14/2001
Ha! this is very random. it isn't about david pike, so be excited! i wanted to blog this yesterday after i had the inspiration, but i never got around to it. i am laughing with just the anticipation of what i'm about to write. it is silly, really.
so, i was in the fitness center yesterday working out like a good little girl. i was watching some show on MTV. while i watched this show, i came up with the "perfect date." you know how there are always those silly questions of "what is your idea of a perfect date?" well, i finally have a good answer. i was watching this show and there was this couple on a date in california. they were at the santa monica pier riding rollercoasters. oh my gosh. i was in love. how much fun would that be. rollercoasters are so awesome, period. but to be riding one with the view of the ocean, how great would that be? and to be there with some special boy who is fun to be around anyway. all those "funs" that would be TOO MUCH fun. i don't think, i, jenny starnes, could even handle it! = ] so, if i ever get asked that question of "what is your idea of a perfect date?" i'll have a quick answer. "somewhere with rollercoasters over-looking the ocean." i won't even be picky and say santa monica. i've been there and it was a nice place and all, but i'd go some place different. hehe
and heaven forbid if a boy ever asks me where i'd really like to go on a date, don't think he won't get the same answer!!!
i love my randomness.
haha, this isn't directly about david pike so i think i'll share it. i was just told this information and i enjoyed it. apparently, mrs. pike told doug or doug's mom that he should ask me out b/c she wanted to see me back in the neighbourhood. isn't that sweet. in a weird sort of way. not that i'd consider dating doug for that reason, but it made me smile...and cry a tear or two, too. atleast someone in that family really loved(s) me. whoops. i didn't go there....
goodnight! ; ]
jenny 11:51 PM
10/07/2001
what the hell?this story starts on my drive home from school on friday. on my way, i was thinking about several different things, somewhat all at the same time. my head was racing with thoughts, but that seemed normal after driving in the car for two hours. i had started getting excited b/c i was only 30 minutes from home, when my phone rang. thinking that it was probably my mom or david high, i answered it. hell, i was going to answer it no matter who i thought was on the other end, but what i got, i never expected. i said hello and i couldn't hear the person on the other end. i said hello again and the only thing i could tell about the other person was that it was a male. that eliminated my mom and mammy as options. david, michael, my brother, and my dad were all still possibilities. but, why, on God's green earth was it david pike? why? why, when i had decided that i wanted to forget about him? yeah, he was one of the people whom i had just been thinking about, but why did he have to call me and make me think about everything more? i didn't sound extremely excited when i figured out that it was him on the phone. i was like, "oh, its david. hey david. how are you?"
maybe that was my first mistake. maybe i should have started with a good ol' "why the hell are you calling me." it was honestly a good feeling to be talking to him. i know that is bad and that i shouldn't take pleasure out of a phone conversation from david pike, but i did.
we talked for 28 minutes. it probably would have gone on longer if i hadn't had to go into winn-dixie to get my film developed.
(my mom just tells me that we are at war now. oh my...)
the conversation. what did it mean? what was said?
first i rememeber talking about my hair. david always cared about how my hair was fixed when we were going out. he always wanted me to keep it long, too. so, he asked me if it was still long. i told him that it was right now but that i was getting it cut as soon as i got to glasgow. he went on to ask how short i was getting it cut. why does he still care about the way my hair looks? i shold have gotten it chopped off above me ears so if he saw me he wouldn't talk to me. anyway. he also asked me if i was wearing black pants or blue pants. wtf? when i came home from school last year, i would always try to be somewhat cute. and when i'd wear black pants, he was especially happy. he did NOT need to ask me that on friday, nor will he ever need to. he went on to try to guess the rest of my outfit. i know that we talked about other things,not just me. we talked about his hardest class, his friends at school, who he'd seen since he'd been home, i asked about his parents, i told him about my discrete math class, and everyday sort of things. he also told me that he got his computer fixed so when he went back to school he could send me emails. but, why did he call me? did he remember that i had said in my last email that we should go eat at evergreen if we are at home at the same time? did he want me to remember that and act upon it?
at some point in the conversation, after i had dissed the fact that we had just had a conversation about talking to my "sick" computer, he mentioned the time that i called the trophy he gave me a "fucking trophy." he isn't supposed to mention things so directly related to our relationship. thats just wrong. "i don't want to talk about that." i said. thinking about that damn trophy wasn't what i needed to do.
anyway, at the end of the conversation, he got no "thanks for calling." no, "good to hear from you." but he got a "maybe i'll talk to you sometime...bye." he hadn't invited me to do anything with him over the weekend. i hadn't reinvited him to eat with me. so what was i supposed to do then? what was i supposed to think about it all? i was pissed that he had called. i enjoyed the conversation, but it went against what i was trying to do... forget about him. so, for the rest of friday and on saturday, i thought about those stupid 30 minutes and what he was meaning by them.
standing uptown last night, i wondered if he'd drive by, and possibly stop. i didn't want him to, but at the same time, i sort of did. i knew it would be awkward and bad if i had to see him, but i sort of wanted to. im stupid, i know. but, i hadn't contacted him, so i was proud of myself.
after leaving the square and going to david high's with the the skating crowd, david brought me back to my car around 4:30 this morning. and, wouldn't you guess, there was a note on my windshield from david pike. "hello jenny. i'm sorry that i didn't get to see you this weekend. hopefully i will talk to you some other time. love, david pike."
tears came to my eyes instantly. i felt myself breaking-down, not just emotionally, but i felt my "i'm not going to be nice to david pike" resolution weakening by the moment. what a stupid phone call and a note on my car can do to me. so...last night i had this feeling of guilt. i almost felt like i was supposed to call him today or go by and see him. but, im not going to. as much as i would love to have one good hug from him, to have him make me smile once, to even see his parents, i can't do that. b/c, what if this effort he is making to contact me is just b/c it was convenient for him this weekend. he was at home, so calling my cell phone wasn't long distance. he probably just left a note on my car b/c he was driving by and he wanted me to go back to school thinking about him. he didn't make an effort for the first two months, why now? has he realized something? what? i don't know...but, maybe that he won't find a girl at UAH that'll have him? or, has he decided to try to be friend? i hope that he has. but i have decided this much. i either don't want to talk or see david pike AT ALL or i want to have him as a good friend. i don't want any more half-assed friends. there are way too many of those, already. i can't just hear from him everyonce in awhile b/c that'll make me feel bad. make me think that he is just contacting me so i won't get mad or something. i want him to call me, to email me, just to say "hey, how are you?" i want him to tell me about what is going on in his life and not make me find out from everyone else. i don't want to have to "wait" for his emails. i just want honesty. the main thing that i want and that i doubt i'll ever know is: i want to know who david pike really is. i want to know if the 15 months we were together meant anything to him at all. even if they didn't, i wish he'd tell me. i want to know for certain so i won't have to guess about it anymore. if i could sit down and have a conversation with him, i'd ask him so much. but, i also wonder how much of what he would tell me i'd be able to believe.
there is just way too much going on in my head right now. i know that i missed my chance to see him this weekend. when i get to school, i'll be glad that i didn't see him. but right now it sort of makes me sad.he is probabably still in town. i could shower and go by but no.
and, maybe david high is right. maybe it is just some huge mind game. maybe david is just trying to hold on to me b/c im a girl and he needs a girl and he can't find another one.
i just want some answers and some clarity. is that too much for a girl to ask for? (huh, tori?)
i should shower and study or go back to school or something.
jenny 1:57 PM
10/04/2001
My wonderful friend, michael, came to visit me today! i was very excited about it and the day lived up to my expectations. i expected to laugh a lot, and that is just what i did. michael always seems to be just as happy as i am. fun stuff. i hope he had a good time. i think he did b/c he got to talk to the baseball coach and he seemed to enjoy my friends. i just wish it wasn't as far of a drive, so he could come more often. he'll make another appearance sometime, im sure. i wish he could find a way to transfer here next semester. money gods, where are you? i know playing baseball is important to him and i know that he isn't happy at western. i just wish money didn't make people's decisions for them. maybe he will consider it some more.
anyway, i had a fun day despite the hectic start. i took michael to the boat dock, but the waterfall wasn't near as impressive as it was the last time i was there. it almost made me cry b/c i knew michael would appreciate its wonderfulness and he couldn't see it in its beautiful state! oh well. it probably didn't bother him as much as it did me.
tonight, tori, sarah, amanda (chick visiting GC), michael and i went to reno's. it was fun stuff. michael was acting like a kid. sarah was greatly entertained by his childish actions. tori tried to act sane so she wouldn't scare off amanda. i just sat and laughed and tried to keep michael under control. luckily, i wasn't my usual "hoss"-self. well, i ate everything i ordered, and i helped out on OUR free dessert. however, amanda took the prize for the dessert eating. i think that chick needs to come back and join the FI's and help me eat desserts!
(i have totally stolen tori's "chick" word. sorry girl, i'll try to limit my ussage of your words.)
anyway, i still have to study for a chemistry quiz and i am very very tired!
goodnight.
oh, and i am going home this weekend. yea!
chris is coming home this weekend. i can't image the excitement that sarah is experiencing. i'd be bouncing off the walls if i were here. she is definitley containing herself quite well. have a great one girl, you deserve it! ; ] wink wink
jenny 11:29 PM
10/01/2001
I just spent about and hour and a half talking to some of my friends about boys. sometimes i forget how long of a conversation two or three girls can have about one topic. im certain that we could have talked for 3 more good hours just about boys tonight. at times it was really sad and at times it was really funny.
i'd forgotten how many funny boy stories i've had in the past. you'd think that i wouldn't have that many b/c i've dated TWO boys in my nearly 20 years of life, but i actually have several. everyone knows about the joe/prom/class ring/mowing yard story. i seem to get more pleasure out of telling it each and every time do. but not many people know about other fun stories. just stupid little (actually, they were sort of big) high school crushes. and the extremes that i went to just to be noticed and whatnot. my gosh. i think i'll refrain from mentioning names or details b/c i definitely have those recorded in my diary at home.
sometimes the whole boyfriend conversation turns into me feeling like a loser b/c i don't have all the little relationships to talk about, but tonight i enjoyed every minute of it. who cares if i was a funny-dressing, acne-faced smart kid back then? i've not changed since then, and i'm not bothered by it.
tonight, i learned some more about tori and jon's relationship. i just can't imagine being in her shoes, having to give blank responses to expressions of love. i really wish the situation was different for them b/c it is more than i can handle and i'm just on the outside looking in.
in a way, that situation makes me that much happier about not being friends with david pike. i know that if we were friends, it would bother me down the road when he had another girlfriend. who knows if it would bother him if i had another boyfriend, but i'd like to think that it would. anyway, i know that it would eat at me from the inside out. i'd be in straight-up hell if i had to hear about him saying to another girl the things he used to say to me. as much as i would like to be happy for him and be a good friend to him, i just know it wouldn't work. deep down i'd be jealous i guess. by not being in one another's lives, we protect ourselves from hurting one another more than we (or maybe just I) have already been hurt.
i, for once, really feel like im capable of getting over david pike. even though it is hard to imagine someone else expressing the love for me that he once did, i think it is possible. there is another person out there who will love me like he supposively did, right? of course. i don't know why it took so long for me to believe this. i'm on the edge of being over him, i feel it.
through tonight's conversations, i realized more so than ever that people have different definitions of love. there are many different levels of love. "are some people capable of showing/giving larger amounts of love than others?" i sometimes ask myself. and on which end of the line am i? most of the time i feel like i have this abundance of love just waiting to give to someone deserving of it. but after giving so much to david, i wonder if my abundance is really all that much. did i not give david enough, or what? alison, tori and i were talking about whether or not we thought we would ever be able to love someone as much as jon loves tori. without a hesitation, i said that i think i'll be able to. it may take a long time to find the one deserving of it, but with what little experience i have with love, i feel like i understand it. atleast, i understand the importance of love in a relationship.
shew, i've been talking a lot about love, so maybe i should wrap it up now. but, i enjoyed the converstations in the room nextdoor tonight. i literally had to sit there and let it all soak in. that definitely needs to happen more often. i haven't gotten much done today, but that is okay. i had a crazy week last week. im allowed, right?
haha, i just said something to michael and i didn't realize how true it sometimes is until i sent the message. we were talking about having our own houses/apartments. i said i'd love to have a place where i could decorate the inside just how i wanted. he was concerned with the yard and the outside things. i then said, "thats the difference in guys and girls. the guys like the outside appearance and the girls like the inside appearance." after i wrote it, i realized how much that seems to apply to things other than houses. for instance, guys tend to go for the outer appearance of girls instead of what is on the inside. i think that girls usually go more for the inner-self. ha. i just thought it was a bit odd that i saw the relationship between guys an girls and houses and stuff. (and i am not saying that all guys just care about appearances...i know better than that...just sometimes i feel that way! = ] )
okay, the medicine i took in hopes of getting better is kicking in. im sleepy! i better go to bed or heaven forbid, study!
goodnight! = ]
jenny 11:56 PM
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