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3/04/2002
Friendship is a very weird thing. the older i get the less i seem to understand it.
So i have sort of been talking about blogging for a little while. I have this friendship blog inside of me and i just don't know when it is going to all spill out into a blog. I think it would really help me figure out some stuff in my head, but sometimes i wonder if i really want to figure those things out. would it really make things better?
I've been thinking a lot about a particular "friend" lately. well, two "friends" actually, but mainly one. david high. i doubt he will ever check this nor will anyone else from glasgow. but really, i don't care if they do.
I'm still so confused with the situation with him, and i can't just forget about it. i can't pretend that everything is okay when i see him, but at the same time, i can't email him, call him, visit him, write him, anything. no method of communication seems appropriate for this. part of me just wants to hold off....thinking that he'll surprise me with an email or letter first. something in me wants to believe that it is just a dream, a nightmare, rather, that i'll awake from and everything will be how it was. i'll have that friend back who makes me smile with a simple hello. who makes me feel like i'm doing a good job at being a friend. who gives me hope that there is another one like him out there who deserves me. who reminds me that i'm loved. who calls me a best friend. i'm not taking anything away from the friends i have now, b/c they are wonderful all in their own ways. and david high had his own way of being wonderful. something about him sets him apart from any friend i've ever had. it may just be b/c he is the best guy friend that i have ever had, but it seems like there was something more there.
hell, i was told i would marry the boy. and for a minute or two, that actually sounded like not such a bad idea. i never thought anything much into it, but knowing that that person is completely out of my life hurts. it has been over two months since i have seen or talked to him. i've written him one letter within that time period, and i've gotten no response.
confusing. that is what it all is.
how does one go from calling me his "best friend" to not calling me at all? how does one say, "i'll always be there for you," and then stop asking how your day was? how is one so concerned with your well-being until his well-being is perfected and all of a sudden he assumes everyone is alright? or he just doesn't care.
gosh. i could go on forever about this. I just don't know how a person can change so drastically, so quickly. however, i am seeing more and more evidence of it all the time. sad sad stuff.
I just want him to know that i have been hurt by this. and that i'm not just one of those other friends who is there one day and is gone the next. not by choice at least. I guess i'm just wanting him to know that he has lost one of the best friends he has ever had and he doesn't even realize it. i mean that sincerely. and if you read this, david, i hope it hurts. it hurts me to write it.
I really wasn't going to approach this blog like i did, but it happened. i'll probably write more about the situation later. but until then, goodnight. and thanks to you people who are my friends. you make me the miss high on life that i am.
jenny 12:36 AM
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