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9/28/2002
For every two steps I take forward, one must be taken backward. i don't know why i work like i do. I just reread the email I sent to david pike two weeks ago for the first time since I send it. I was curious as to what exactly I said. and i guess i'm still surprised about what i was able to write. in case you're wondering, here is a bit of it:
"I have very little doubt in my mind that you cheated on me, David. From the beginning, I've heard many explanations of what happened. ... I just want you to know that you didn't get away with it and I hope you enjoyed every bit of it. Yes, you made me look like shit by first being ignorant to the whole situation for so many months and again by falling for what you claimed to be the truth. But what others thought didn't concern me. I just wanted to know what my boyfriend was doing. Again, if you had have told me about it right after it happened, life would have been simpler for the both of us. But maybe that would have taken too much of a man to speak up and admit to wrong-doing. ... I did nothing but be honest and faithful to you in our relationship. I only expected the same in return. While you were accusing me of being more than friends with David High, you had been cheating on me. For the longest time since the breakup I'd felt somewhat guilty about David High. ... Now, I've erased that guilt as I know that you were the guilty one. Perhaps you saw my relationship with David High as a way out of your trouble and with it you could easily make me look like the bad one.
...I've been on this quest to figure out who you are for awhile now. I'm tired of being told, "You don't even know David." For so long I thought I did, and now it hurts to think that maybe I never did know the real you....I must admit that for the longest time, I've been living in the past. I've been holding on to hope with a death grip. I was waiting, I guess, hoping that you'd become the person I wanted you to become. But I realize how selfish that is of me. You are free to become the person you desire to be. You are free to behave any way that you want . I'm sorry if you ever felt like I kept you held back or anything. .... And now it is time for me to do something I rarely do. Give up. I give up, David. Simple as that. I've done all I can, and I've been patient. I can't take being rejected any longer. It has been over a year since we said our original goodbye, and it is about time I get something other than rejection. ... I'm not going to email you, call you, or write you anymore. I've done this in the past and waited for responses. Time and time again, I never got one, and I'm not going to wait around anymore. I am not saying I hate you, David. Honestly, I've tried hating you, and it didn't work. When everything around me was telling me to hate you, my heart wouldn't let me. ... If you ever wonder about me, feel free to contact me. I'm sure I'd love to hear from you, but I don't want to force the friendship. Friendship is a two-way road and I'm tired of driving down a one-way street. ... I hope that our memories won't die in your heart, because I know they aren't going anywhere in mine. ... If for some reason we never speak again, I wish you the best. You deserve everything you ever dreamt. I only wish I'd be around to see it come true. I just ask that you do what your heart tells you to do in every situation. I truly hope that your life at Western is everything UAH wasn't. Take care of yourself. I never lose hope..."
So there it is, for the world to see. i was blunt, but i was nice, too. i swear i'm going to be healed soon. i just have to stay busy.
on a lighter note, my guard is doing extremely well. they are very pleased with what i was able to accomplish during camp this summer. i'm glad that someone appreciates me! i'd love to see them perform again but with my crazy schedule and their forever away contests, i don't think it is going to happen.
i'm training for a 5K. I hope to run one with alison in BG over thanksgiving break. i hope i can do this!
gotta sleep now. tons of studying to do. just had to blog i guess.
night
jenny 1:31 AM
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