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12/29/2002
today was a beautiful day. there is nothing i wanted more than to walk in the woods hand-in-hand with a special friend. or maybe a picnic would have been equally as inviting. i almost took-off with a blanket and a book but i didn't want to have to explain what i was doing. my family would have looked at me funny.
what did i do instead? well, i watched tv while snipping my splitends. and then i hung up my dad's new kitchen and bathroom curtains. wonder if he even notices.
and by the way...i haven't felt normal or completely healthy since tuesday the 17th. i couldn't even hang curtains without feeling pain today. i really don't understand. maybe skiing tomorrow will make me feel better. haha, probably not but there is no way i'm missing it.
happy new year.
jenny 5:41 PM
12/21/2002
so i've lost my family's respect -- i've had one wreck and all of a sudden i feel like a bad kid. i guess this means i'm not capable of driving anymore...i just lost all four plus years of a good driving record because of one rainy evening.
my dad's words of advice tonight. "well, if you think you are going to hit a car, go for the ditch" b/c he doesn't understand insurance policies, but that is a different story.
i don't understand how some people's minds work after something like this... my dad is only worried about my insurance going up and what we are going to do with the car, yadda yadda yadda. i don't know dad. i just want to be able to have a couple of normal days and a good christmas before i wonder if and how i'll get another car.
i've lost all trust for myself. i can't even describe how horrible and guilty i feel right now. i know that i am very lucky to be sitting here as perfectly normal as i am, and i know that God was watching over david and me yesterday, and i'm so thankful. but where do i go from here?
the only thing that kept me from a total breakdown tonight was sydney. she hugged me tonight like i don't think she ever has. it is like she undestood what was happening and like she could tell that i needed hugging and that she knew she was fortunate to be doing so. children are amazingly wonderful things.
i've got to get some sleep. things have to get better from here...
jenny 12:37 AM
12/17/2002
so I think I feel inspired to blog... I don't really know why. I think I feel lots of emotions right now, but I’m not for sure if I am going to disclose all of them.
First, how do you make yourself bleed with generic scotch tape? Let me tell you. I was wrapping gifts and I cut a piece of tape too early so I held it with my teeth, like normal. Well, I ripped it off a few seconds later and I was bleeding. Some of my lip decided it liked the tape better than me...it hurt and it made me mad more than anything.
Next thought. I’m finished with the weirdest semester of my life. I’m not really sure why it was so weird, actually, I’m pretty sure I do. But it was fast, hard, sad, happy and altogether weird. Maybe it has something to do with me being a junior. I have always heard that junior year is the worst/hardest or whatever...I just really hope next semester is better. This past semester is about to give me my first and possibly second B in college. This really shouldn't be a big deal...but why, if I could do it for two years, the first two, the prime time to screw up, why couldn't I this year? I just have this feeling that my dad, who never asks about grades and only looks at them and writes me a check, is going to be like, "get hard on you?" with a joking voice or say "what happened?" in a very non-apologetic tone. I don’t really care if he cuts my “good grades” check by twenty bucks or doesn’t give it at all, I just don’t want this whole “haha” thing from him and everyone…I feel like several people are going to do that. Not my mom though. She’ll probably take me and celebrate or something. But I just can’t handle the jokes at Christmas. “Not only does Jenny not know what she is going to do with her life, but she is also making B’s now.” Okay, so I am overreacting a bit here and my family isn’t that mean, but I guess I feel like I’m disappointing them and myself. From the beginning, I’ve only done my best and I wasn’t so concerned with the letter… I really just got lucky a few times and got the A’s. And maybe I could have tried a bit harder this semester in math…I could have gone to his office a few more times and felt stupid a bit more, but it never seemed worth it. I felt that no matter how many times I visited, I’d leave feeling worse than I did when I went. And most of the time I didn’t have time or I felt burdensome…
Anyway, I’m really okay with this B thing if everyone else is. I never said, “I can’t make a B” because I’ve made my share in life and I didn’t expect college to be any different. So, we’ll see what kind of response I get. Hopefully, I’m just a little worked up.
I have been home since Saturday night. Sunday, I worked and hung-out with David High. We had Evergreen…the best Chinese food ever! (on a side note, one of the owners/employees remembers me from back in the day when I’d always go there with David Pike. Being with a different guy didn’t confuse him, which surprised me. He said, “so, you go to Georgetown, right?” actually, he said something that didn’t sound anything like that, but I slowly realized what he meant. It was cute, and it made me happy. I don’t really have that customer/employee bond thing like a lot of people do when they go to a place often. Anyway, I loved being there with Dhigh, but it sort of made me want to see Dpike again….dangit.)
After eating, David and I tried to come up with something to do, but we failed miserably. We tried Big Lots and Walmart…well, walmart was almost fun. David found this boxing game thing. You plug this thing into a TV and put on these gloves and go crazy at the guy on the screen. Talking about excited, I was pumped. The price under the box said 11 something so we high-tailed it to the checkout counter. Upon arrival, we found the price was actually 47 something. What a disappointment! Our night was ruined after that… but we did decide that we were okay being bored with one another…better than being bored alone.
Yesterday I put up my grandmother’s Christmas tree and today I finished decorating the outside. I just had this burst of Christmas energy. I decided to decorate the outside like she used to do when we were little. I put red wrapping paper on the bases of her porch poles and wrapped red ribbon around the poles like candy canes. And I hung lights around the edge of her porch. How cute! I promise it isn’t tacky. Sydney was sick yesterday, but I spent today with her. After a little Jenny in her life, she feels much better.
So now, I am at my house, my dad is sleeping and I can’t do anything… I can’t leave, I can’t have anyone over, not that they would come, and I can’t even do laundry. This stinks. There is always a downfall to everything. If I stay out and have fun, I’m way tired the next day. If I try to do things rationally/logically, I get fussed at. Okay, I’m ranting and raving about little things now. But within just a few hours tonight I realized the negative aspects about being home. I absolutely love being with my friends, but I can’t stand-up to my grandmother and talking to my dad seems so impossible sometimes. The two things don’t work well together. Everything has to be so planned-out when I’m home. I have to base what nights I stay out late on what days I work… I always have to take my grandmother’s schedule into consideration when I make plans. I’m slowing wishing that I didn’t volunteer to work over Christmas break. I am pretty sure that I am going to miss two of the break’s highlights b/c of work. One, the Wild Cave Tour at Mammoth Cave. I’ve wanted to go since two summers ago and now I can’t b/c all of my friends are going this Saturday for Ranjana’s birthday and I have been on the schedule since Thanksgiving to work. Second, a ski trip to Paoli. I’ve never been skiing and I have wanted to since my sophomore year in high school when I put in my money to go with Miranda Cook and then the trip got canceled. But now a trip has been scheduled for the 30th and I probably have to work and if not I will probably have a Christmas dinner that day. I feel bad for asking off for anything since I come back asking to work…and the next Saturday is my birthday and I haven’t asked off for that yet. And the way things look, I probably won’t need to.
Okay, I’m going to stop complaining now. I have bigger things to worry about than how much fun I’m going to miss out on. Like, my grandfather. They took a spot off his eye the other day and they found out today that it was cancerous. We weren’t too surprised with his history, but it is sad. Luckily, they think that they got it all, but the next little bit is still scary.
I think I’m going to stop blogging now and email Britta or fix some Christmas cards to send to my favorite adults in Glasgow.
I’m so glad to be out for the semester and I hope everyone’s finals finished up well and everyone made it home safely.
Enjoy,
Jenny
jenny 10:02 PM
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